I’m the kind of person who has to fall flat on my face, bust up my nose, and scrape my knees to learn anything of value. Then to actually internalize it? I have to bump my head at least three more times. Is it the most efficient way to go about life? Maybe not, but I like my stories of failure far more than the tales of my successes. The drama! The pathos! The character arc!
Heartbreak has been on my mind recently. An important and serious romantic relationship in my life ended nearly two months ago – not for any terrible reason, but because our visions of what we wanted to experience and accomplish in life were too different to overcome. It was excruciatingly painful to dissolve the connection precisely because nothing was wrong. How could a relationship that had been so loving, nurturing, and generous still fall short? How could we have gone so far down this road only to discover it had been a dead end all along?
And then it struck me, that much like my romantic life, my career has been a series of journeys that have brought me to dead ends, time and time again. I am always surprised when I come upon the orange cones that wait placidly for me at the end of the trail because when I started out, all those days ago, trailblazing as ever, I was convinced that the hope in my heart and my taste for adventure was enough to carry me home.
This is it! This is the one! I know it! I just know it!
But more often than not, the first path, the second path, the third path, the fourth path, they aren’t the one. Now, if you’re one of those rare people who get it right on the first try, I tip my hat to you. Must be quite nice. For those, however, who have felt the heartbreak that waits for you when you realize you’ve gone the wrong way, I send you much warmth because it can be so, so tough to make the decision to turn around and return to GO. The shame of admitting you were wrong, the grief, the sinking knowledge that you’ll have to go through the cycle of hope and disappointment over and over again. What are you, a tumble dryer? Who in their right minds would want to do that or feel that?
So, it isn’t surprising to me that a lot of people end up pitching their tents at a dead end. I must stress, there isn’t anything wrong with that. In fact, there is a lot of power in such a decision and something noble about making the best out of any situation. But for me, I could never shrug off the irritation of dissatisfaction. Every time I’ve hit the end of a road, I spin on my heels and march straight back to the beginning, even as the anguish of failure twists my insides and regret gnaws up the folds of my heart.
There is something better out there for me, I mutter to myself. I know it. I just know it.
Sometimes, the detour is short and oh, how much easier it is to make a U-turn when you’ve only spent a few weeks, a few months heading somewhere wrong. It makes me think of a summer job I held once. After three weeks of failing to sell knife blocks (yes, my dear reader, I had fallen for a pyramid scheme), I had to walk into my supervisor’s office and tell him that I was quitting. Only a few years older than me, but already so crisp and well-oiled, he tried to cajole me into staying, but there I was, not even seventeen, gulping and clutching the armrests of a cheap office chair, but finding the strength to say no.
No, no, no.
The toughest are the roads where you’ve come so far, so far, in fact, that you truly believe you’re going to cross the finish line this time. I’ve done it, you think, I’ve finally done it. But then, just as you’re cresting that hill, you see them. Those damn orange cones. They’ve been waiting for you. They knew you were coming. You’re the only one who’s surprised. Little ghosts. We hate them.
It is in this moment that the darn sunk cost fallacy rears its head. Do you hold or do you fold? For me, I fold. I fold every time. It’s the economist in me. But not everyone is wired that way, and again, there is nothing wrong with that. A dead end that gets you pretty darn close to where you wanted to go? That really can be victory. It depends on how you see life, what you value, what you’re willing to give up.
After testing out so many career paths, forever anxious that my choppy forward motion would reflect poorly on me, it is such a relief that I have finally navigated myself to the right one, a working environment that supports my ambitions and mentors my strengths while developing my less mature skills with intentionality and compassion.
In the comfort of contentedness, I can now see how the lessons I learned by reaching those myriad dead ends have prepared me for this one, the right one. Though there is always the chance that this too is a dead end, the quiet strength of the grass growing on the side of this path makes me think that this time, I won’t have to turn back.
I like that feeling.
Whatever that path may be, whether professional or romantic, I hope that you too stumble across the right set of cobblestones, bricks, gravel, dirt, water, and sky. I hope you have the courage to try again, to fight the urge to settle when you see the orange cones of a dead end. I hope this because one day, I am sure you will find that same glory, the right glory.
Remember that no matter the number of paths you take or how far down them you go, all that matters is that you evaluate the decisions that bring you to dead ends and carefully consider the alternatives. Should you stake your claim at this particular dead end, or should you turn around? That is ultimately a choice that only you can take, but I’ve heard that happiness can be a fairly good litmus test. And whatever the decision you make, I’m going to be so happy that you’re happy. That’s all that matters to me. I want you to be happy – all of you!
Now, didn’t that make you smile? What are you waiting for? Find the right path or the right dead end, and if you scrape your knee along the way, come find me. I’ve invested in a first-aid kit and only half the bandages are gone.
Music Corner: I think we all need a palate cleanser, right? This one, I ripped off of my sister’s playlist – a dreamy tune. This one is just a reminder that we should be listening to Avril Lavigne like all the time.
Originally posted on LinkedIn.
